Money Issues = Alienation

I don’t want to work after I have the baby for at least six months.

I don’t have a choice but to work soon after delivery. I am currently the only one making money and as limited as it is, we are surviving off of it. I can’t say we aren’t getting a check for my husband’s issues but it is small and he has his own bills to pay.

I was to go to RI this weekend but my mom blew that plan. I wanted to see everyone before I got too big to travel.  I was going to ask for an advance at work to pay for the trip.

I didn’t have my cell phone on last weekend and to my shock, I have eight text messages from my mom and three voice messages, asking me for money.  She needed $1,000. Of course, I wanted to react and help but I simply don’t have it. I haven’t even been able to buy anything for the baby, much less save money for when I go on leave.  I can’t help her.

This also means I can’t go to RI anymore because my mom will question why I have enough money to go to RI but not pay her. I have become alienated from my own family.

My former roommate is in a bind. She has to move out of her apartment and doesn’t want to pay me back the deposit.  I need the money.  She said she doesn’t have it.  I know she doesn’t.  I want my money.

My maternity leave at work just sucks. Who is ready to go back to work after have a baby in two days?  They don’t even want to pay for a cushion so I am not in constant pain from sitting all day. I hate it and resentful because chances are, I will have to go back to work month after delivery.

It’s not fair.

I am feeling stressed and pulled to thin right now.

I hate it!

HATE IT!!!!!


Fears During Pregnancy

I am past my half way mark in my pregnancy.

I don’t feel like I am doing what I should be, if I compare myself to other expecting mothers.  I don’t have a crib, a pediatrician, and I haven’t even thought about what theme to make the nursery.  Should I be concerned?  I wanted to wait until my seven month before I start making decisions.

I should really stop comparing myself to other people before the baby is born. I don’t want her to be a product of jealousy and competition. I want her to be love.  Although, has anyone ever been successful?

Our society is built on one-upping each other and stealing someone else’s ideas and making it their own. Of course with the catch word “innovation” it really isn’t stealing.

I am concerned.  It’s just one of the many things that runs though my head.  There is so much negative exposure in the world.  It’s impossible to keep her from it.  If I try, it will eat her from the inside. At this point, communication seems to be the path to take.  So many worries……

On a single day I have over a few dozen thought of fears pop –up. I wrote them down, her e is some:

  • Will pregnancy ruin my body?
  • Can I manage a career and motherhood?
  • Will I able to provide what the baby needs?
  • Will having a baby end my social life?
  • Will I be a bad mother?
  • Will her father be able to handle fatherhood?
  • How is my current friendship with childless couples or single friends going to change?
  • What if the baby has birth defects? What if I caused it?
  • What if I lost the baby?
  • What if I have very bad post-partum depression?
  • Will I ever be able to sleep?
  • What if I reject the baby?
  • What if the baby rejects me?
  • What if I pooped on the delivery table?
  • How much was the delivery really going to be painful?
  • Can I handle labor?
  • Will the labor traumatize the baby?
  • Will I have a C-section?
  • What if I die from giving birth?

Panic With New Expenses

Today at work I was in a panic.

I am 18 weeks pregnant and my finances aren’t perfect. I worried about my maternity leave. Our temporary disability insurance at work only covers up to $175 per pay check. I thought about health insurance and the outrages cost to cover a family. On my insurance at work, to cover just the mother and child, about $280 is taken out of your pay check each pay period.

How can anyone survive on what is left, especially in NYC?

Benefits for women in my situation are very limited.  It’s very discouraging when the benefits of being on Welfare seem to have more advantages than going back to work in three months. I don’t want to be on Welfare unless it is absolutely necessary.  I don’t feel I’ve gotten to that point.

My quest this week is to find ways to help my situation without having to stop work once I have the child.

One benefit of being in NY, is that they have a good HHC program.

My husband and I are going to look into this tomorrow.  Affordable health insurance will reduce the stress on our newly forming family.  I’ve heard good things about it for being a public hospital program. It’s worth a call this week.

We also started a $5 fund. Every time we get a $5 bill in our change from the store. We put it away. We have collect about $1000 since March. We are going to step it up and put $150 from every pay check.  It’s going to hurt us now,  but it is manageable with proper budgeting. It will benefit greatly when I am on maternity leave.

These are some of the ideas we came up with today. I think this will benefit us in the long run. Talking of my panic with my husband helped a lot today. I hadn’t told anyone how I was feeling because I felt that I was over reacting. Talking to my husband, I found out that I wasn’t the only one. Now, we can work together to make this a little easier on ourselves.